5 Ways To Keep Your Vampire Novel From Sucking

I think Jef Rouner (he goes by Jef with one f) at Houston Press did not like Kevin R. Given’s Vampire novel, Last Rites.  His article, “5 Ways To Keep Your Vampire Novel From Sucking” has Last Rites in the bull’s-eye.  I mean, he just slams ths book paragraph after paragraph.  It’s delightful!

On the other hand, Salem’s Lot comes out shining. Under the commandment, “Thou shalt not use old horror actors' names” Jef writes,

“if you want a guide, go read 'Salem's Lot by Stephen King. His antagonists are Kurt Barlow and Richard Straker. Do you see how King's used just the right combination of stress and switcheroo to make you think of Boris Karloff and Bram Stoker? It's subtle, but it's there.”

"Of course, the other thing you might be doing is showing off your knowledge of old horror movies, in which case you need to get way more hipster douchebag and obscure. These names are total mainstream, and it makes you look lazy. Either pull King's trick, or if you can't then just skim through a phone book until you find a good name."

I really like his thoughts on the importance of the structure of the mystery novel.

Here are the 5 things to keep your vampire novel from sucking:

• Thou shalt not use old horror actors' names
• Thou shalt not use old gods
• Thou shall remember how mystery novels work
• Thou shalt not shortcut thy plot like a bad TV show
• Thou shall do something original

Here’s a comment I agree with, wholeheatedly: Much like zombies, vampires have reached the oversaturation point. If the genre is going to survive, and we hope it does, there are going to have to be some new ideas out there. No more werewolf vs. vampire, no more coming-out analogies, and no more seduction of the innocent, nubile human to the dark glories.

The full article is HERE.  It’s a lot of fun.