10 Things Not To Say To A Stephen King Fan

1. I love Stephen King, too.  I don’t read the books, but I’ve seen the movies.  (Great.)

2. Doesn't he just write about monsters? (Sure, that’s what he does.)

3. Have you read the one about the clown?  (Yeah, we have.)

4. I don’t read his stuff.  I read Insomnia once but didn't finish.  (Neither did most of us)

5. I prefer movies like The Green Mile to all that Stephen King stuff.

6. Why can’t I read your copy of The Shining?  (Because it’s a first edition)

7. Do you only read Stephen King?  (Uh-huh.  Made it clear through college and seminary reading nothing but Stephen King.)

8. He’s too scary for me.  I read that book – what’s it called? – about the girl with the powers. (Carrie.  He doesn't just write scary stuff.)

9. I don’t need to read Under The Dome, I saw it on TV.

10. Stephen King didn't write Stand By Me.  (Yes he did)
Nope, I checked his book list, it’s not there.  (That's because it's not called Stand By Me.)
See, I told you he didn't write it.  (It's called the Body.)
Hey, that's not on his book list, either.  (It's in another book called Different Seasons)
Yeah, I don't think you're thinking of the same movie.  I'm talking about Stand By Me, about a bunch of kids.  (Okay, whatever.)

Finally . . . I'm not a Stephen King fan, I'm a constant reader.  What's the difference?  I'm interested in what he writes, not chasing around after him.


  1. This look like a case for the top 10 witty comebacks to pointless questions in the style of Mad Magazine!

    10. Yeah, I guess your right. Hey, wanna buy a new Rolex?

    9. Well, at least Joel Schumacher did Batman right (sarcasm).

    8. Are we talking about a Nancy Reagan Bio?

    7. Wanna see my shrine made out of first edition covers and every toenail since high school?

    6. Well, alright (after handing over the book) maybe you'll handle the infection better than the last guy.

    5. Oh crap, a Jehovah's Witness!

    4. If you're looking for a cure, have tried Derrida?

    3. Yes, I've seen Weird Al's UHF.

    2. Are you making fun of my liking for R.L. Stine?!

    And the number one witty comeback is:

    1. Yeah, Close Encounters was the best, wasn't it?

    Play me off, Paul!!!

    (cue Paul Schafer and the David Letterman band doing a passable All Along the Watch Tower)

    Okay it's everybody else's try now!


  2. Love this post! The number of times people told me his books are to 'creepy' ??

  3. I liked to this post on my blog and everyone is commenting how much they love it!

  4. This is so accurate it's more aggravating than funny. What was it you said about people assuming things about his books?

    That last one is hilarious and hilariously accurate.

    By the way, how much do you want to bet that when The Dark Tower is finally made into a movie, people won't believe he had anything to do with it? It is very possible they won't prominently display his name in ads for it (check out Bryant's post about King movies; non-horror adaptations tend to have his name in small print at the bottom whereas horror adaptations have his name in the tag line, subtitle or just call it "Stephen King's "whatever").