Star Wars Misery

My kids wanted to watch Star Wars the other day.  That lead to a typical argument of "which one"they wanted to see.  Finally, we agreed to watch the whole series in order.  That was a mistake.  At the midpoint of the first episode, I was alone in the room, holding in there as something really bad happened on my screen.

My wife was surprised when I moved on to episode two.  Really, her look said, you're going to stick with it?  Yep.  Because sometimes when you don't like a movie, it gets better with the lowered expectations.  But it didn't.  I just kept saying, "This is so stupid!"  For instance, in the first episode, Jar Jar Binks brings help to his home planet;  so what do they do?  Give him his own speeder or a special house?  Maybe a medal?  Nope.  They make him a general!  A GENERAL!  Now in Return of the Jedi, Han was made a general; but it made some sense.  But who would follow Jar Jar into combat as a sergeant, just as well a general?  "Naboo deserves to lose against the trade federation," I murmered.

When it was time for episode three, I decided to move to something new.  That lead to The People v. George Lucas.  My favorite part were scenes from a longer fan movie (Forcery) in which a woman plays Annie Wilkes, from Misery.  In the first scene, she is explaining (by screaming, just like Annie) that the scene with Han Solo and Greedo doesn't make sense anymore.  In the final scene, George forces Annie to eat the Star Wars film he created just for Annie.  Message is: It's my toys, and you don't get to change it.  He will control what fans see.

So what exactly is wrong with the first three movies?  Here you go:
1. Jar Jar Binks is ridiculous. He's a cartoon character in the real world.  It's like Star Wars became Who Framed Roger Rabbit.
2. Metachlorians created a virgin birth for little Anakin.   Or something like that.
3. It's boring.  Turns out Jedi are like Vulcans, no emotion.
4. There's a rain/storm planet in episode two -- but the landing pad to the robot factory is in the open.  Good idea, when you live on a rain planet -- don't build a covered walkway to your landing pad.  I mean, we lowly earthlings can figure out the need for a garage and covered walkways, but apparently the people who are doing advanced human cloning can't think of a way to land a spaceship inside.
5. Darth Vader's, "nooooooo."
6. Is it me, or did Obi Wan age really bad between episode 3 and episode 4 ?  Really bad.

I'll stop.  Here's Forcery, I like it a lot.