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| picture credit deviantart.net |
Let’s get this out of the way up front: No one is safe. In a Stephen King book, kids can die – at their own hand. Old people can be wiped out. Even narrators, in the case of Christine, are not immune to injuries that takes them out of action. But, should you suddenly discover your life might be narrated by Stephen King – here’s a helpful survival guide:
1. Avoid classic cars sold by shifty old men.
2. Don’t talk to clowns in sewers; ever. Unless the clown has a balloon and. . . wait, NEVER! Never talk to clowns anywhere. In fact, kill all clowns.
3. Turn down missions that involve going to the dark man’s city during periods of post-apocalyptic plagues. Just say, “no.” NO.
4. Don’t stop for Sheriff’s in the desert after spotting a crucified cat.
5. Resist the urge to dig up your dead loved ones and bury them in a magical Pet Sematary.
6. If you stumble upon a buried spaceship – just cover it back up. You don’t want to know what’s down there that bad. Really.
7. In the case the you find a time portal in a closet – eat the meat, but pass on opportunities to save dead presidents..
8. Don’t answer your cellphone. Don’t play in the mist. Don’t run over Gypsy family members. Don't stay alone through the winter season at old haunted hotels. Don't keep poison meat in your garage fridge. Just. . . DON’T!
9. If the crazy girl with telekinetic powers goes to your school – skip prom.
10. Do NOT. . . I repeat, NOT – chew on toothpicks while holding a monster down in the toilet.
11. If a girl who has the power to set things on fire crosses your path, leave her alone. That seems obvious, right? Yeah. You would leave her alone, right?
12. Don’t buy a home in Castle Rock, Derry or the outlying cities. In fact, avoid Maine. All of it. And Florida. And Colorado. Oh, and if your town ends with the name “Lot,” you need to move. Basically, move to California or Hawaii, bad things don’t happen there.
13. Take your Saint Bernard to the pound. Now.
14. If you discover a Nazi war criminal, it’s probably best to call the police.
15. If you spouse is abusing your kids – yeah, it’s okay to throw them down a well. Go with the narrator on that one.
16. Did I mention, don’t chew toothpicks? I did? But shadow puppets are okay.
17. Ebay your polaroid camera.
18. Slash the tires of all motor homes.
19. Be a writer. The writers always seem to make it out alive.
20. Burn the croquet mallet.
21. Don't have sex with the antichrist. That's important. In fact, just to be safe, don't even snuggle.
22. No matter how much they pay, turn down job offers that involve descending into a subbasement to root out the rats. In fact, kill all rats, and spiders. And avoid subbasements.
23. Turn your library books in on time. Really, I'm helping you.
24. If horns begin growing. . . wait, wrong writer. Sorry. Scratch that one.
24. Keep silver nearby in case you have to destroy a monster.
25. Shoot crows.
. . . If you realize you are NOT in a Stephen King book, but you are actually in a Stephen King movie -- all hope is lost.
It suddenly occurs to me – since this is the world wide web, that I should remind you that you should not really slash motor homes tires. But you really should not chew toothpicks while a monster is in your toilet. Really.
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