Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
How To Survive A Stephen King Book
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| picture credit deviantart.net |
Let’s get this out of the way up front: No one is safe. In a Stephen King book, kids can die – at their own hand. Old people can be wiped out. Even narrators, in the case of Christine, are not immune to injuries that takes them out of action. But, should you suddenly discover your life might be narrated by Stephen King – here’s a helpful survival guide:
1. Avoid classic cars sold by shifty old men.
2. Don’t talk to clowns in sewers; ever. Unless the clown has a balloon and. . . wait, NEVER! Never talk to clowns anywhere. In fact, kill all clowns.
3. Turn down missions that involve going to the dark man’s city during periods of post-apocalyptic plagues. Just say, “no.” NO.
4. Don’t stop for Sheriff’s in the desert after spotting a crucified cat.
5. Resist the urge to dig up your dead loved ones and bury them in a magical Pet Sematary.
6. If you stumble upon a buried spaceship – just cover it back up. You don’t want to know what’s down there that bad. Really.
7. In the case the you find a time portal in a closet – eat the meat, but pass on opportunities to save dead presidents..
8. Don’t answer your cellphone. Don’t play in the mist. Don’t run over Gypsy family members. Don't stay alone through the winter season at old haunted hotels. Don't keep poison meat in your garage fridge. Just. . . DON’T!
9. If the crazy girl with telekinetic powers goes to your school – skip prom.
10. Do NOT. . . I repeat, NOT – chew on toothpicks while holding a monster down in the toilet.
11. If a girl who has the power to set things on fire crosses your path, leave her alone. That seems obvious, right? Yeah. You would leave her alone, right?
12. Don’t buy a home in Castle Rock, Derry or the outlying cities. In fact, avoid Maine. All of it. And Florida. And Colorado. Oh, and if your town ends with the name “Lot,” you need to move. Basically, move to California or Hawaii, bad things don’t happen there.
13. Take your Saint Bernard to the pound. Now.
14. If you discover a Nazi war criminal, it’s probably best to call the police.
15. If you spouse is abusing your kids – yeah, it’s okay to throw them down a well. Go with the narrator on that one.
16. Did I mention, don’t chew toothpicks? I did? But shadow puppets are okay.
17. Ebay your polaroid camera.
18. Slash the tires of all motor homes.
19. Be a writer. The writers always seem to make it out alive.
20. Burn the croquet mallet.
21. Don't have sex with the antichrist. That's important. In fact, just to be safe, don't even snuggle.
22. No matter how much they pay, turn down job offers that involve descending into a subbasement to root out the rats. In fact, kill all rats, and spiders. And avoid subbasements.
23. Turn your library books in on time. Really, I'm helping you.
24. If horns begin growing. . . wait, wrong writer. Sorry. Scratch that one.
24. Keep silver nearby in case you have to destroy a monster.
25. Shoot crows.
. . . If you realize you are NOT in a Stephen King book, but you are actually in a Stephen King movie -- all hope is lost.
It suddenly occurs to me – since this is the world wide web, that I should remind you that you should not really slash motor homes tires. But you really should not chew toothpicks while a monster is in your toilet. Really.
Huffington Post Blog Accuses Stephen King Of Not Being Able To Write
Michael Conniff posted a blog post at Huffington Post titled, "Why Stephen King Can't Write." (huffingtonpost.com)
Conniff declares that he likes everything Stephen King stands for, and cites a list that really has nothing to do with things King actually "stands" for. Like -- He has a library next to his house. Well, if that's the case, put me on the list, I also stand for having libraries next to your house! I stand with you both!
Wait, you might be wondering who it is that Huff Post has decided is worthy of the platform of smashing Stephen King. Michael Conniff is a well known author. In fact, he's sold 11 books. Not 11 million. Not 11,000. 11. ELEVEN.
So exactly how does the esteemed author think Stephen King has failed the writing world? (Never mind that Stephen King actually wrote the book On Writing!)
Of course, after pointing out that Stephen King has sold a few more books than he has, Conniff resorts to telling ust hat sales don't matter, only the words on the paper matter. And that might be true, but in the world of writing, readers are the judge of those words. And it appears the American public judges King worthy of continued sales. And, 11 people have bought Mr. Conniff's books. 11.
Conniff builds his case on King's latest novel, Mr. Mercedes. This is frustrating because King used a different style for Mercedes than his usual third person past tense. Everything is told in present tense in Mercedes, a style King has never used for an entire novel. So to judge the whole of his work, his ability to write, on this one novel seems like nothing more than a sulky uneducated jealous writer wanting to get some punches in on the big guy. (Thanks Huffington Post for giving Conniff the platform to do this.)
Conniff accuses King of, "bad writing." After giving us an example paragraph, he then calls King out on "strike two" and asks, "what in the name of all that's scary is a "rank of doors"? Is it some kind of hierarchy or grading system or a band from the Sixties? I have no idea, and if you're honest, neither do you. It's a stinkeroo."
Here's King's sentence: "When Augie reached the top of the wide, steep drive leading to the big auditorium, he saw a cluster of at least two dozen people already waiting outside the rank of doors, some standing, most sitting."
Made sense to me. Need it broken down? Is something unclear? Wold Conniff think it owuld be better stated, "he saw a cluster of at least two dozen people already waiting outside a bunch-o doors."
Wait, Conniff then gives King a big "strike three." Which is easy when you make up the game, and you're the Umpire. The bottom line of his third complaint is that Conniff doesn't like complicated sentences. He would probably prefer my the books piles up in my children's rooms. In fact, Conniff declares that King's sentence is "completely incoherent." And it is -- for him.
Conniff rants, "Wide? Steep? Big? Doors mysteriously ranked? Mazelike non-maze? They prickle me not." Genius.
Then he makes the charge that because King is focused on the story, he doesn't care about the words he uses. He's just barfing up words to push the story forward. Which is, of course, the opposite of what he argues in On Writing. A whole portion of On Writing deals with the tools of the craft -- words.
Wait, Conniff isn't done. He then suggests that it's the movies that save Stephen King's stories. (REALLY!) Conniff writes:
Finally, the Huff Post blogger decides to smack all of us who like King -- because, of course, we're buying Stephen King books and not Michael Conniff books. (Well, 11 of you might have switched teams here. 11.) Connif says, "In a way, you can't blame Stephen King for his shortcomings as a writer. Like his audience, he just wants to find out what happens next." In other words, King so intense into his story, he doesn't care how he gets there.
So Conniff never addresses Kings ability to build characters, advance plot, create suspense and draw the reader right into the mind of some pretty terrible people. He doesn't look at King's real gift, characters. Why? Because simply put, Conniff can't handle the way Stephen King writes and sentence. His arrogance and pride blinds him to the fact that he's tossing stones at an American Master.
Obviously, Mr. Conniff needs to read my book, "Stephen King, A Face Among The Masters." Then he will be better equipped to understand why Stephen King's work is important.
Conniff declares that he likes everything Stephen King stands for, and cites a list that really has nothing to do with things King actually "stands" for. Like -- He has a library next to his house. Well, if that's the case, put me on the list, I also stand for having libraries next to your house! I stand with you both!
Wait, you might be wondering who it is that Huff Post has decided is worthy of the platform of smashing Stephen King. Michael Conniff is a well known author. In fact, he's sold 11 books. Not 11 million. Not 11,000. 11. ELEVEN.
So exactly how does the esteemed author think Stephen King has failed the writing world? (Never mind that Stephen King actually wrote the book On Writing!)
Of course, after pointing out that Stephen King has sold a few more books than he has, Conniff resorts to telling ust hat sales don't matter, only the words on the paper matter. And that might be true, but in the world of writing, readers are the judge of those words. And it appears the American public judges King worthy of continued sales. And, 11 people have bought Mr. Conniff's books. 11.
Conniff builds his case on King's latest novel, Mr. Mercedes. This is frustrating because King used a different style for Mercedes than his usual third person past tense. Everything is told in present tense in Mercedes, a style King has never used for an entire novel. So to judge the whole of his work, his ability to write, on this one novel seems like nothing more than a sulky uneducated jealous writer wanting to get some punches in on the big guy. (Thanks Huffington Post for giving Conniff the platform to do this.)
Conniff accuses King of, "bad writing." After giving us an example paragraph, he then calls King out on "strike two" and asks, "what in the name of all that's scary is a "rank of doors"? Is it some kind of hierarchy or grading system or a band from the Sixties? I have no idea, and if you're honest, neither do you. It's a stinkeroo."
Here's King's sentence: "When Augie reached the top of the wide, steep drive leading to the big auditorium, he saw a cluster of at least two dozen people already waiting outside the rank of doors, some standing, most sitting."
Made sense to me. Need it broken down? Is something unclear? Wold Conniff think it owuld be better stated, "he saw a cluster of at least two dozen people already waiting outside a bunch-o doors."
Wait, Conniff then gives King a big "strike three." Which is easy when you make up the game, and you're the Umpire. The bottom line of his third complaint is that Conniff doesn't like complicated sentences. He would probably prefer my the books piles up in my children's rooms. In fact, Conniff declares that King's sentence is "completely incoherent." And it is -- for him.
Conniff rants, "Wide? Steep? Big? Doors mysteriously ranked? Mazelike non-maze? They prickle me not." Genius.
Then he makes the charge that because King is focused on the story, he doesn't care about the words he uses. He's just barfing up words to push the story forward. Which is, of course, the opposite of what he argues in On Writing. A whole portion of On Writing deals with the tools of the craft -- words.
Wait, Conniff isn't done. He then suggests that it's the movies that save Stephen King's stories. (REALLY!) Conniff writes:
it takes movies like "The Shawshank Redemption" and "The Green Mile" to bring his ideas to life.Finally, Conniff confesses, "I've never loved his writing." Of course, he's cited how many books he actually read? Mr. Mercedes and On Writing. That's it. I don't know if he's read more, because he doesn't say, and without using WORDS, I have no way of knowing what Conniff has read.
Finally, the Huff Post blogger decides to smack all of us who like King -- because, of course, we're buying Stephen King books and not Michael Conniff books. (Well, 11 of you might have switched teams here. 11.) Connif says, "In a way, you can't blame Stephen King for his shortcomings as a writer. Like his audience, he just wants to find out what happens next." In other words, King so intense into his story, he doesn't care how he gets there.
So Conniff never addresses Kings ability to build characters, advance plot, create suspense and draw the reader right into the mind of some pretty terrible people. He doesn't look at King's real gift, characters. Why? Because simply put, Conniff can't handle the way Stephen King writes and sentence. His arrogance and pride blinds him to the fact that he's tossing stones at an American Master.
Obviously, Mr. Conniff needs to read my book, "Stephen King, A Face Among The Masters." Then he will be better equipped to understand why Stephen King's work is important.
Spending The Stephen King Money
You've read Joyland, right? You know, the 2006 Emily Schultz novel. -- OH, wrong Joyland, right? Turns out, a lot of people are accidentally buying the Schultz novel instead of King's book.
Schultz writes at her website:
I'm Emily Schultz. My first novel came out eight years ago. It was called Joyland. Last year Stephen King released a print-only novel with the same title. That was cool, until a few King readers bought the e-book version of my novel by mistake and started leaving negative and confused Amazon reviews. I asked Amazon to change their search results to keep people from buying the wrong book but never heard back.
Apparently there were a lot of confused readers as this week I got a—for me—big royalty check for those mistaken books. I'm not so upset anymore. Sure, it's more a pleasant surprise than a fortune, and I'm stuck with those reviews, but I thought a blog detailing how we're spending the Stephen King money would be a nice way to end this funny and strange story.
So what do you do when Stephen King's money starts to roll in? Well, obviously, if you're a writer, you write about it!
Schultz has started a delightful blog titled, "Spending The Stephen King Money" With each purchase she records, she also asks the question, "Would Stephen King like it?" This includes:
- furniture from Ikea, a haircut for Brian,
- the deductible for bumper repair,
- books,
- Dinner for two at a place called "Junoon" . . . and more.
She notes that she bought a new Apple computer, and asks if Stephen King would approve. "WOULD STEPHEN KING ENJOY IT: According to his book On Writing, King writes 10 pages a day. I think he knows the importance of a good machine."
I think this is brilliant and quite a bit of fun. Naturally, we wonder, what does Stephen King think of this, though. After all, it is his book that's losing the sales, right? King told Entertainment Weekly that he is “I’m delighted for her." And, what's more, "I’m going to order her book.” So there's a real sale! And, from none other than Stephen King. Schultz said in turn that she would be buying King's book. Of course, she'll be buying King's book with King's money. A nice way to go!
Fearnet: The Horror Community's Best April Fools Pranks
Check out John Squires list of best pranks the horror community played on us this April fools.
About King: Over on his official website, Stephen King got in on the April Fools' fun by teasing that he was writing a sequel to Christine, titled Christine Lives. 'Christine Lives picks up where Christine left off,' wrote King, 'and follows the trials and tribulations of Dennis' descent from school teacher to carnival barker as he attempts to evade the smoking tires of fate.' The announcement included a link to a video of King's announcement, which was actually a video of Rick Astley's 'Never Gonna Give You Up,' in disguise. Rick-rolled by the King... a true honor!
Check out the full article at: www.fearnet.com
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