This was my submission for the contest at Lilja's Library for a copy of The Stand audio edition. We were supposed to explain why we NEEDED a physical copy.
The winner was Misha Gail, who wrote:
Dear Lilja
I work on a hospital for terminal ill people and we read books to each other every Friday. If possible I would like the copy of The Stand so that I can bring it to work and let the master read to us for a change. I know everyone would enjoy that a lot.
. . . . . . . . . .
Humm, how do you compete with that? Answer: You can't! That answer is awesome.
So, here is the silliness I sent:
Why I need a physical copy of The Stand audio edition:
Here’s the sort answer: Because if you don’t give it to me, it will altar the future.
Perhaps I should explain. . .
I visited a local diner recently and the owner, a guy named Lucas, shared a very big secret with me. I don’t particularly like Lucas, since he always has huge boasts that are baloney. He once claimed Star Wars was his idea and that George Lucas stole it from him.
I was about to pay my bill and go when Lucas said he wanted to talk to me. Believe me, the last thing I wanted to do was spend time talking to Lucas! But, he offered me a free sandwich, and so I sat down and we talked. He was upset that he couldn’t get a special edition Stephen King monopoly copyrighted. I was about to leave when he dropped the big bomb, "You know, I can travel in time."
"Lucas, give me the bill," I said.
"No, really!" I noticed that when he got mad and stomped his foot, his entire fat body jiggled. "There is a time portal in my pantry."
"Lucas, you need a doctor or a friend, I don’t know which, but I know I’m neither. There is no time portal in your pantry!"
"Sure there is!" He said, upset that someone would question his honesty. "It leaps you forward exactly 11 weeks 22 days and 63 minutes into the future. Of course, the future is always ahead of you, so every time you go through it’s a different 11 weeks ahead."
"You are messed up," I said to Lucas.
"Okay, then check it out."
Boy howdy, I did not want to go near Lucas’ pantry! For one thing, I was afraid he might lock me in. For another, I didn’t want to spend another moment with the creepy guy. Anyway, I finally said I’d check it out, and Lucas explained that I could only stay three hours and I was not to read any news or get stock updates. Basically, I was not to do anything that would change my behavior when I returned.
The time portal was real. Jumping ahead isn’t that great when you can’t change anything when you get back!
Of course, the main thing I did was go home to see if anything had changed. Not much. . . except that I noticed my Stephen King collection had a new item. A physical audio copy of The Stand.
"Hey, how did I get that copy of The Stand on audio?" I asked my wife.
She frowned. "What’s wrong with you? Don’t you remember? You won it in that contest Lilja did. You know, the one that’s your favorite website? The one that just got it’s 40 millionth hit."
"Forty million?" I said aloud. Just a few weeks earlier he had topped three million hits. "How did the Mighty Lilja get so many hits in just a few weeks?"
"You don’t remember that, either? You know. . ." she pointed at my shelf of books, and I spotted a new book by Stephen King. It was titled: Tickets Marv’s Museum. Of course, it was massive, and I had no chance of reading it in the hours allotted me.
"So what is Tickets To Marv’s Museum about?" I asked, sure she had already read it on Kindle. Then, with a glance at my cellphone to check the time, I said "But tell me the quick version."
"It’s about a kid, Bryant Blonde, who’s parents won’t allow him on the internet, so he goes to the library to use the computers there. At closing time, Bryant hides in an darkened office. At first the kid is scared out of his britches because the place is really spooky when they cut the lights off. But then, in a dusty corner, Bryant spots and old computer."
"Wait," I said. "I thought they cut the lights off. How can he see?"
"Do you want the short version, or the Stephen King Fancast version"?" she asked. "Anyway, the boy plugs the computer in, thinking the thing won’t even work. But, surprise surprise, not only does it work – it has Internet access! But, it’s really slow."
"This raises a lot of questions," I said.
She shrugged off my objections, "As soon as little Bryant gets that old computer online, he jets right over to Lilja’s Library to see what’s new in the world of Stephen King. The thing takes forever to load, because, you know – the computer is old and all. When the page finally downloads, Bryant notices how realistic the website is. He can actually feel, see, smell the world of Stephen King! It’s like he’s right stinkin’ there!"
"So, what gives? Is he actually in the website?"
"Yup. He begins moving through the website! It’s cool."
"Sure it is," I said, wide eyed. "Who wouldn’t want to actually step inside Lilja’s Library! But you know, everyone is going to say he got this from Tron."
"No! It’s so much better! Besides, Bryant doesn’t know it, but people who log in to the website can see his shadow moving around. Bryant thinks this is great at first, but then realizes The Dark Man continues to have an existence on the website. The story tells how he uses the things in Marv’s Museum to escape the internet and whoop on the Dark Man. Of course, it’s all tied up with riddles. He can’t figure out a riddle concerning a news paper headline: Rabid Saint Bernard Traps Woman And Child In Pinto."
"What’s the riddle?" I asked.
"Read the book, David," she chastised. "Why do I have to tell you everything. But you know, it’s kind of the same. A woman trapped in a car with a Saint Bernard, and a boy trapped in the internet with the Dark Man."
"So how does it end?"
She sighed, "Alright, since you have to know! Bev Vincent travels into Liljas Library and sees Bryant’s shadow and realizes he’s in trouble. Since Vincent knows all things King, he gives him the answer to the last riddle."
"And I won a copy of The Stand?" I asked abruptly. "Is that thanks to Bev Vincent, too?"
"No! I don’t think Bev Vincent had anything to do with you winning The Stand," she said. "That was just a Stephen King book – this is reality. You won that contest because of your essay. But King writing a book about Lilja’s library, caused the hits to go through the ceiling."
After all that talking, I had to rush big time back to the diner to make it back before my three hours were up.
Of course, as soon as I came back, goofy Lucas was jumping up and down. "I told you! I told you!" Then, in all seriousness, "You must not change anything!"
So that’s the deal! I must not change anything. And in the true future, I won this contest. Meaning I must win it again – or risk changing the flow of time itself.
I’m sure I originally wrote something like: "I drive a lot for work, and with a CD can listen while I drive. Listening to the end of the world while driving in Southern California seems appropriate." And that is true. But let’s face it: The world is at stake here! I must win this contest, or face altering time itself. To keep from changing the future, ending time as we know it, creating a Butterfly effect – the audio book should head toward California.
