Happy Friday the 12th. Reading Stephen King can be a lot of fun. It can also be traumatic. Psychologically dangerous. Here are 12 ways reading Stephen King will traumatize you.
1. Clowns aren't fun anymore.
2. You want to give a wide birth to the weird girl at the prom. Who knows what strange powers she might have.
3. Crows seem ominous. And rats aren't just nasty -- they're evil! Dare I mention spiders? SPIDERS!
4. You avoid mom & pop stores because they might have just what you need; and be run by the devil.
5. It's not so much fun to be alone in a hotel hallway, because you are terrified two dead girls will appear and invite you to come play with them. The hotel bathtub is another place Mr. King ruined. Who knows when a dead body will float to the surface.
6. On foggy days, you wonder if maybe it's actually a dark mist headed your way and think that any moment monsters with tentacles will be attacking.
7. You want to ask the waitress at your local cafe if you can check the pantry, secretly wondering if there is a time portal.
8. The law, and your mom, say you have to respect authority. But when you're traveling long stretches of desert road, you aren't sure you would actually stop for a sheriff.
9. People in your life remind you of people from a Stephen King novel. I swear I know Mother Abagail and am pretty sure I've met Annie Wilkes. Also had some contact with Big Jim, Jack Torrance and unfortunately Mother Carmody.
10. There's no way you would own a Saint Bernard. Or dog sit one. You also would not name your cat Church.
11. You can't enjoy a movie based on a Stephen King book, but keep irritating your friends and family by saying, "really, the book was better," and, "the book was a lot scarier," and "I can't believe they messed that up."
12. A 1958 Plymouth Fury is a cool car -- from a distance. A long distance.
And. . . extra credit: In awkward or unnerving situations, you think, "Oh man, this is the way a Stephen King book starts."
Okay, give me your list
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